Hair Product Bullshit
2003-02-27 . 1:52 a.m.

I had the joy of television tonight. I don't watch it on the basis that is a fetid load of shite the majority of the time. I did however catch an advert that kind of made me think.

It was for hair care stuff for women and contained Nutrilium.

What the FUCK is Nutrilium?

By all means state that Pantene Pro V5 coats your hair in a thin layer of polymer that stops split ends and makes it shiny but don't invent stuff.

Nutrilium eh? What number is that on the Periodic Table? Is it a nuclear waste byproduct?

"Your hair will shine across the room"

(when you are on the other side of the bathroom and it's all fallen out)

Sounds an awful lot like Neutronium - the matter that a sun is condensed to when it collapses in on itself, the stuff that collapses further to create black holes.

Would you really want hair that could turn into a black hole?

Still, it might attract more attention(*)

(*) planets, asteroid clusters, Spaceships and light waves.

I fucking hate it when science is turned into shit for beauty products. All that crap about rubbing stuff on your face reducing wrinkles - guess what?

It's mostly water to moisturise and soften the skin. The rubbing action tightens the skin and "visibly reduces wrinkles" because YOU JUST SPENT $50.00 ON WATER WITH MOISTURISER (aka "soap") AND RUBBED IT ON YOUR FACE.

I look forward to my next invention - Super-String Hair Products (PATENT PENDING) - it will radiate across the EM spectrum and hopefully produce Tachyons thus moving faster than light and creating a hairstyle that's so cool it's next year's fashion.

Oh well - some people will buy this stuff...