2002-12-15 . 1:23 a.m.
Sorry 'bout not updating. You see, there is a small problem.
We're out of booze. No vodka, no beer. NO WHISKEY!
I have come to a little realisation - I write mostly when I'm completely blotto. Those of you kind citizens who have spoken to me on MSN until 3-4am know what I'm talking about. I seem to only be capable of writing when I am drunk and pissed off at stuff (which may indicate several issues I have). For me - alchohol allows me free rein at the darker parts of my personality, which is where I get most of my rants from. Heck and damnation!
However, I am excellent at dealing with adversity. So, this morning let me regale you with a somewhat more restrained type of entry.
(bonus points to those of you who notice how much prettier my English is when sober...)
Men With Beards.
Beard growth amongst men seems to follow some weird trends. Teenage boys love growing that first wispy moustache - it's like a McDonalds Badge Star that proclaims "I've hit puberty now - who wants impregnating?" It follows some pretty odd stages after that.
When you hit your late teens and early twenties, most guys like to try out the goatee. A delightful beard spoilt only by the sheer number of guys who grow them to be "different". Fletch himself recently grew a pretty damn good full-on beard-type thing and I have to say it suited his thin frame quite well in a Castaway-esque style. Here at Chez Fletch'n'Paul it has to be said that shaving is almost rationed. Neither of us has any overwhelming reason for facial hair maintenance at the moment so we're both pretty haired up.
I might be hooking up soon with a girl who I happen to like a lot. This means I have to go the whole hog and shave daily which is a real pain in the ass as I am not good at that sort of maintenance. Fletch on the other hand has quite the free hand to allow his to grow all over the place (promise that I'll pack him a razor when he visits the US girls).
The main problem with beard growth is the f*cking gaps. Now, I can do a moustache, I grow weak ass sideburns but i have some great chinny-chin-chin (it being black is an advantage). Fletch is blonde however, so even if he had Yak-style hair growth it'd still be invisible from a distance. My gaps are just between my moustache and chin - leaving me with a Laughing Cavalier affair. Fletch has bits just beneath his cheekbones which don't catch on to the raging hirsuteness surrounding them. Bastards!
Tomorrow we may get a visit from Jai (Fletch's twin brother). It's the first time I will have met him and I have to say he sounds quite cool. He has "Dope Beard". No cop will ever catch him with an ounce as he can stow it inside that fantastic bird's nest like it's a trouser stash.
I also have an issue with the makers of aftershave. Aftershave is made by men with beards. My proof? Who else would fill a substance with alcohol so that when you rub it into freshly shaved skin it stings and turns red? You guys with beards are jsut plain evil! My 98 year old Great Grandma says it best - "Men with beards are hiding things"
Not sure whether she means emotions, facial expressions, huge boils or VW Camper Vans when she says this but dammit; I agree!
If i have to bloody-well shave to not irritate the lovely Nicola (should such an event arise) then I'm damned if Fletch is going to get away with looking like he stepped out a jungle after 15 years communing with nature.
Anyway. Enough anti-beard stuff. Back to the loss of alcohol.
Should it turn out that I am in fact a raging alchoholic and that my liver is in dire shape, rest assured that I shall sacrifice my future solely to provide you with comedic outings.
Roll on payday.
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