If I Might Get Serious Briefly...
2003-01-30 . 3:29 p.m.

Holy Shit. Did everything just explode in a really bad way? Is it Karma? Bad luck? Fate? Or just pure old dumb humans doing dumb human stuff?

Bren - I'm going to speak to you tonight. You and me need to talk about a whole hell of a lot of stuff and it's best we speak on the phone. Email me your number.

Everything seems to have got out of proportion. This whole internet pimp status that has been conferred on me for a start.

I am not successful with women. Not in the real flesh and blood world. I have been single for far too long, my previous relationships marred by poor choice and situations. My ego, which prior to these relationships soared like an eagle, was shattered into a thousand shards. It took me a long time to drag myself up from the well of self-hatred and loathing. "Surely it must be my fault" I thought to myself. "Nobody wants to be with you, you must be ugly, stupid, annoying, scary or something".

In the last week I have had no less than 10 people compliment me in various ways. Whether I called cute, funny, charming, sexy or whatever - these are the first compliments given to me in so long it's not true. It's allowed me to rebuild myself, from the ground up. It has given me renewed confidence.

It's also created a bit of a monster.

So it is going to stop now.

Reading people write about me is great - it is a thrill to know I am affecting people in any way - if i make you think or feel it is like leaving a mark on the world (well, more a smudge in my case), however short a time it lasts. I would like to point out that certain people have an enormous level of admiration in my eyes. Bren is my internet guru. I love Bren more than anything. She has kept me laughing, kept me smiling and even kept me writing. If what she thinks is true she needs me to be like the old me - not some stupid electronic lothario.

I kind of feel I should apologise to people. I dont want to mislead anybody. I live thousands of miles away from people I love and want to hang around with. I want everyone to be happy and it makes me angry that I just simply can't clone myself. One for everybody.

It's 4pm GMT right now as I write this. I will be home in about 5 hours. When I get in I want all my people together. A great big get together. I want laughter and happiness, I want deep conversation and soul searching, I want to apologise and clear the air. I want to stop being a total dickhead.

I don't have enough time to dedicate to all of my friends. Bear in mind that when I am online I am up until maybe 5am some nights. I am drinking maybe a bit too heavily and as a result I'm fucking up. Making mistakes. Playing with people's emotions.

For the record - it is possible to love more than one person. That we each have one person only in our lives that we can be complete with is a fallacy. A Hollywood myth. A barefaced lie. I love Bren, I love Tiff, I love Skye, I love Splinter, I love my son Dylan and I love Fletch. Each one of you has a piece of my heart forever.

I really am having an awful lot of trouble here. There is so much I need to say. But it has to be done individually. Not because there are secrets but because I need time with everybody to explain what I feel.

It's a bit of a shit entry that. I hope to be more useful to you later.