Things Fletch Has to do in the USA...
2003-01-28 . 8:05 p.m.

Okay, so it's not really a diary entry as such but I thought I would share just a few of my misconceptions about the US with you lovely people.

As Fletch has less than 12 hours to go before A-Day I have made him a list of things he has to do whilst in the US (with photographic evidence).

Sit in a cafe in New York drinking coffee with free refills, smoking white-tipped Marlboro and stubbing them out in a styrofoam cup.

Go to a strip bar with Robin and take photo of them putting money in a stripper's garter belt. I picture the composition thusly -

Fletch's Face (smiling inanely) - Left Buttock Cheek - Right Buttock Cheek - Robin's Face (smiling inanely).

Now I have no Idea what you guys get up to over there but if i was in the US I'd be doing both of these on a weekly basis just to remind me that I lived in a nation that lets you have FREE COFFEE.

With the titty bars on every corner as well (told you I dont know what it's like) I'd be a happy bunny indeed. I'd buy a 1970 Chevrolet Camaro SS and a handgun and just totally be happy in myself.

Ah! But alas, I am in England. I have to pay for my (frankly quite shitty) coffee at every turn, Titty bars are so rare and so upmarket that I just cant get in -

Bouncer

"No Trainers sunshine!"

Me

"Dude, I'm here to stare at tits. Does my choice of footwear mitigate booby-watching?"

(My logic is lost on the Caveman in a dinner suit...)

Most European cars are bastly underpowered. Little 4-Cylinder jobbies with 100-150hp. I want a fat 5.7 litre V8 that puts out three times that. And as for me owning a handgun? We have laws preventing under 16 year olds from purchasing PLASTIC CUTLERY.

Call me odd, but if an under 16 year old can injure themselves or others with plastic cutlery we either need to get them a job in the Army or seriously re-examine our educational facilities...

I've been having a lot of fun into the early hours recently. I'd like to thank the Adult Industry Awards for my "Best Amateur Performance" gong but I'm afraid I sold it to a ragged old guy with a twitching eye for a matchbox with a dead wasp in it.

See y'all later...