One For Nicola...
2003-01-07 . 11:02 p.m.

This entry is kind of devoted to Nicola. Don't let this put you off regular type people. Although none of you know her, I like her an awful lot, despite and of my misgivings.

Nicola has got back together with her boyfriend again. This is something like the third time now (excuse my innacuracies - I'm potent, but not omnipotent). Each time she tires of his company she cheats on him to split them up. Each time he begs and pleads for her to come back to him she does it. Now I don't know whether it's because she feels sorry for him or what but it's wrong.

I'm not a big fan of him. He's a teenage rude boy in my opinion. My sole experience of him was when he gave me the evil eye from his little Noddy motor car but even I have a certain degree of empathy towards him. I had the same shit happen to me with Laura - possibly the biggest mistake I made was begging her to get back with me. It only increased the heartache and pain when it happened again.

Nic. End it. Properly. That guy is just going to hurt so bad, and it will get worse and worse every time it happened. Right now his ego is going to be fragile beyond belief but if it happens again there will be nothing left. I'm not saying this to get to you. It's been made clear that my role in your future is solely as a friend and this is something I have to accept. It sucks rings but hey, I'm so used to it now that it really is no longer an issue for me. Being pissed off with the universe is kind of a hobby of mine (well, less of a hobby - more a full time occupation).

I understand that reading my diary gives you hints to my personality that I keep subsumed from the day to day persona I exhibit at work. Bear in mind that even this is not even the remotely close to who I am. This is an exhibitionist work. It has no more relevance to the real me as does anything else. Maybe two or three people have ever truly known anything about me and none of them would ever tell.

Trust me however, when I say to you that right now, Andy is a fucking mess. He needs space and time to clear his mind of you. He needs to realise that over once means over for good. I didn't realise this and so I carry my love for Laura like a fucking stone round my neck. I have done for a year and a half. The pain doesn't abate. Without something or someone new in your life it never does. Even being on the rebound and meeting someone clears the situation up in your mind.

I won't say how I feel about you. You don't need to hear it in your current state. It's not good for you, it's certainly no good for me and it would interfere with whatever role you have assigned me in your life. A friend I can be, and a better one than most.

Do what you feel is right, don't listen to other's advice (hell, even mine is tainted with opinion) and do not bend to anybody else's will. I wish you could give me a chance but your decisions are something you have arrived at and I will play no part in convincing you otherwise.

Apologies to my regular readers for this, it's just something that needed doing.