Strip Monopoly...
2002-12-15 . 11:14 p.m.

AKA - "Teen Orgies - a Study in Hormones"

When I was just a little lad (about 16-17 summers) my friend Alistair and I used to have what were essentially "scoring parties". Now I know a lot of teenage kids did this and still do, but we used to take such care and preparation with these parties that I thought I'd share some of the more amusing anecdotes.

At least until next friday when I can buy a few bottles of whiskey...

Ali and I were smarter than your average teenager, this will sound kind of exploitative but the fact is we worked out that we needed a "madam" to help us out in the laydee-supply depot. Sally was an awkward girl, a year above her grade due to her smarts (my mum wisely kept me in the grade for my age group lest I have the crap kicked out of me). Sally was not a beautiful girl, nor was she ugly - she was, however, the Quartermaster of Her Majesties Teenage Chick Supplies. We both liked her as she was fun to talk to, well read and bright but we really only wanted her for the connections she had (my belated apologies to Sally here, I was an arsehole as a kid).

We used to throw parties which just "happened" to have the requisite number of boys'n'girls. When the parents were away we would break out the sleeping bags, the horrible liqueurs, the red bulbs and the soft music.

Man, it was like a Dutch brothel. Probably. I have never been to Holland, ever. Not once. Look, I haven't, okay?

So anyway, back to one of the lowlights from my sordid past.

Over a period of about 18 months I was on a fairly intimate basis with something like about 150 girls all thanks to Sally. Some of these girls were unbelievable, others were kind of average. All were subject to the horror of teen-me. One time (at band camp) we played Strip Monopoly.

Now you can argue who gets to be the top hat all you like, nothing beats playing Strip Monopoly. It's almost exactly like normal Monopoly except after you've p*ssed your money up against the wall you can trade clothing for cash (sort of like Hasbro meets Oxfam meets a Vegas Strip Joint). This one particular game was an inordinate success in that inside of an hour all participants were totally buck-nekkid.

Oh no! No clothes? No money? What next I hear you cry. Oh yes... Forfeits. Of a decidedly sexually explicit nature. No arguing over the f*cking shoe or the car now. I'll spare you the detail, but I will say this - next time you are playing Monopoly with your folks at Christmas think of all the fun you could be having.

Enjoy your turkey this year...