2002-12-13 . 2:12 a.m.
Oh yes. 02.12 on the clock. No whiskey left. Time to get the creative juices a'flowin my friends.
Pick me up on spelling mistakes if you well. I've half a litre of malted Wuskey in me and I'm rolling along to Frank Sinatra and Led Zeppelin.
Let's see. What to talk about. Work sucks, the relationship front is looking up (at last) but none of y'all want to hear about dat sheeit.
COMEDY TIME - Yarrrrrr!
English Pornography
Tonight, it was "Penny for Porn" night on Pay-per-view. Could I resist? Could I bollocks.
So I paid the fee...(If not for the female flesh then surely for the sole purpose of laughing my man-tits off about the atrocious dialogue in porno flicks). I came (came...heh) to thinking how English porn should sound. I decided to see if anyone had bothered adding subtitles to the porno-show and was disappointed to see there were none.
So I invented my own.
(Internal - A Bordello in England, 30's Art Deco Style. Several "women of the night" lounge around wearing very little indeed)
Madam : "Hello ladies. Tonight I'm afraid we have to lay off the brass rubbing as we have several gentlemen to entertain"
English Tart #1 : "Oh gosh. Thats a shame. I had just got to interesting part of my rubbing"
Madam : "Never you mind the interesting rubbing my dear. These gentlemen are expecting the finest courtesans in England"
English Tart #2 : "I'll put the kettle on. It'll only be about five minutes then we can all have a cup of tea."
Gentleman #1 : "Hello my dear. That's a lovely muff you have there. Perhaps you would like to. Well; errrrmmm. Not to say. You know. Perhaps? Make with the sweet lovin'?"
English Tarts in Unison : "Bloody hell..."
Oh God, English porn. Is there anything worse? Not hardcore enough to actually arouse, merely titillate. It's full of chaps wandering around with there half-erect members and girls pretending to be in a state of excitement about something that can't even reach half mast.
It's a shame really. As a nation we dont really have a reputation as good lovers. The French and Italians score higher in the reputation stakes than we do (but here's the problem...)
Englishmen are gentlemen. That means we are generous, almost to a fault. I am not refering to the nation as a whole, but specifically to Fletch and I, and perhaps even others of our ilk. We do not discuss sex with each other. I have no interest at all in what he and Claire got up to (hard to igonore though with some of the chipmunk noises she made) and I should imagine that if the chance would ever arise (simply packed with double entendres...) that Fletch would not be standing at the wall, a glass to his ear.
Englishmen go down. And we go down well. Yes, you heard it hear first. English may be our first language, but cunnilingus is our second. It would be good round about now to point out that on average, an Englishman lasts longer on average than his European counterparts (Hi Bren!). We are the Euro-pimps. Sorry if I have offended any of my EU cousins here but hey, lend me your lass for half an hour and you'll never see her again ;).
Anyway. Enough advertising for my nation in the boffing area. I'm sure Unca Fwetch will spread the good word at some point in the future regarding our skills in the sack. Back to the topic at hand.
In the good ol' USA and most of Europe there is a much more relaxed attitude to sex and sexual entertainment. I'm not sure that this is a good thing though. The majority of the female porn stars are fake blondes with fake tits (anyone feel like correcting me - be wary - it will imply your knowledge of porn...).
I'm not a fan of blondes on the whole, and I'm certainly not a fan of fake tits. As Fletch himself has pointed out in the past - he is a "tit-person". I am entirely an "arse-man". I looooooove a girl with a nice butt (nice legs are a bonus). Tits come last in my humble opionion. One of the managers at work has managed to get away with conning the company out of two months time off, and our private healthcare system to fit her with a pair of D-Cup boobies. It's really quite silly.
So - again (back on track you drunken tart...). English porn.
It's awesome. Right now there are a pair of English "chaps" giving a lovely young girl a good seeing to. I'm desperate to get in the ADR studio and record a soundtrack to it...
"Oh yes. Rather. That's jolly nice. Mmmmmm. That quite hits the spot"
"How do you fancy Oxford in the boat race this year m'dear"
(muffled answer due to orifice capacity) "MMMMmmmm. MMMMMmmm.MmmmmmM.Mmm.mMMM.MMMM."
"Oh, but don't forget that Cambridge have quite the young cox' ths year"
"Heavens. I believe I have just released..."
"Pip, pip an' all old bean!"
Awesome...Would you like a cup of tea my dear?
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