No Win, No Fee...
2002-12-04 . 4:01 p.m.

A worrying trend in todays society is the lawyer.

Some of you may well practice law (practice? surely if you have a degree or equivalent you should be fairly good at it by now...) in which case I apologise for my forthcoming rant.

A law in and of itself is no bad thing. It stops me from stealing your stuff or breaking your head open for looking at me funny. The problem lies however with the use of law to lay blame on somebody else. Fletch was telling me today about a legal dispute between two neighbours which has been in and out of court for quite some time now. Due to the Data Protection Act I cannot give any details, suffice to say that if the two parties just FUCKING GREW UP the situation could be resolved amicably.

The thing is, ten years ago - it wouldn't have happened. In the grand ol' US of A you guys have more lawyers than anything else (except fast food franchises) and you must be aware of the ridiculous degree to which the pursuit of claims is carried.

"I burnt myself with a hot cup of coffee/hot apple pie/flamethrower and there was no warning on it"

For Christ's sake - did you never burn your hand on a kettle as a child? Do you not have two separate taps in your home labelled Hot (red) and Cold (blue)? Have you never drunk hot coffee before? Where in the name of all that's holy did you get your education?

"I eat twenty twinkies a day and now I'm a great big fat bastard"

Imagine that! Eating lots of sugar and fat makes you fat. I have applied for a grant to investigate the stupidity of people like this.

"I contracted cancer from smoking 40 a day!"

Heaven forfend! What does it say on the packet dipshit? I know I'm likely to die of cancer. I am aware of this fact. 'Cos I can f*cking read in plain English - SMOKING KILLS.

When did humanity start needing labels for performing basic tasks? Did Neanderthal man rub two sticks together and then burn his hand and start trying to sue trees for being made of flammable substances? A word to those not in the know - Hot stuff is HOT. It hurts. Like with a chainsaw you know that you wouldn't just go and stick it up your arse. It's kind of obvious.

This ridiculous culture of suing people has only been introduced in the UK after much legal wrangling. The lawyers knew they were missing out on a shedload of cash and now with all the "no win, no fee" claims going on my beloved country has turned to the claims culture so well known in the US.

If I burn myself (which I do every time I cook) I say "Ouch. Shit." and carry on. If I trip on a paving stone I carry on walking, perhaps a little chastised and embaressed. I don't look to sue my local council for negligence.

I have no issues with genuine cases - it's just the level to which it has become embedded in modern culture now makes it unstoppable. I would never sue anyone. As you may have read before now the Evil Shithead (Kate) stole everything from my house with a key she had cut without my knowledge. This is at the very least tresspass. She also stole my Soap Dish (BITCH-WHORE DAUGHTER OF A THOUSAND BASTARD MOTHERS!). This is theft.

Did I sue? No. I just surveyed the property and went "Okay - start over" It's yet another symbol of how weak our culture is becoming. Parents can no longer smack their kids without being sued by their own family. I can't teach the scrubby little f*ckers at the chip shop a lesson for the knowledge that they will take me to court.

I know that once released, the lawyer genie cannot be put back in the bottle - I'm just frustrated that this once great nation that I was a part of has gone to hell in a handbasket.

Rant over. Tonight I shall entertain thee with some random stuff about cats (probably).