2002-12-03 . 12:59 p.m.
For as long as I can remember I wanted to be James Bond, 007, Licence to Kill. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's because he is the ultimate Englishman (even though he is half-Scottish and half-Swiss...).
He's suave, he's sophisticated, he's dangerous and above all else - he is allowed to shoot people.
Now - I don't really want to be drawn on the subject of members of the public owning firearms - people usually point to the US and it's high gun crime-rate. The simple answer to this is to point to Canada and Switzerland. But I want, no let's be honest - I need a firearm. And a licence to kill.
With any normal human, the power may drive them insane but with me it would only be used in extreme circumstances - say someone parking in a disabled parking space when they have no disability. I'd probably settle for kneecapping them - then they would be allowed to use these facilities...
(I also think that I should be given an Aston Martin and a lifetimes supply of credit at every major casino in the world - but these are subject to negotiation).
I think it might be considerable fun to jet around the world boffing honies with stupid names, throwing quips left, right and centre whilst utilising my many amazing gadgets to escape certain death. Let's face it, Pierce Brosnan can't last forever. I have the relevant experience with the ladies, the drinking, the smoking and the fighting.
I can be remorseless, I can be funny. You can see where I'm going can't you?
VOTE FOR ME AS THE NEXT 007, YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE
My acting may not be up to scratch (last play I did was at the age of about 13) but dammit - all I need to be able to do is turn up, shoot some guys in colour-coded boilersuits and then have sex with Ivil Blowyourcock whilst making some hilarious quip.
I need to be the next James Bond. You read it here first. Operation MaMA SAN (Make Me A Secret Agent Now) is now in progress!
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