Misconceptions...
2002-11-29 . 10:51 p.m.

I'm tired of being "misunderstood".

Perhaps I am guilty of carrying on the guise myself. I have an annoying tendency to be labelled and pigeonholed in real life so it's no surprise to me to find this mirrored in the virtual world.

Let me try and make it clear. I miss sex. Lots. Lots'n'lots. It is great fun. I am good at it. I love it. But it isn't what I miss.

I miss companionship. I miss waking up, turning round in bed and finding someone. Anyone. Sleeping with someone (not in a sexual sense) is the most under-rated thing ever, with the possible exception of waking up next to someone and seeing them smile.

I could theoretically live without sex for the rest of my days. It is not a fundamental part of life. I have already propagated my genetic heritage so that aspect has been dealt with. All the rest is just "entertainment". What I despair of is being lonely. I am a strong person, I know this. I feel very little. Family ties and the rest mean very little to me (with the exception of my bond with Dylan). I love Fletch as if he were my brother (which I somewhat arrogantly feel him to be). With the exception of these two people there is not one solitary soul I could give a f*ck about.

Don't get me wrong. I would, and have, gone out of my way for people - both friend and stranger but when it comes to the crunch these are the people I would shed blood for without hesitation.

I want to be happy and from what I can analyse of my own personality it would seem that the easiest way for me to reach happiness would be to find someone to "be" with. Someone mentioned in my guestbook that I should "take my own advice, get off my arse and find someone". Maybe so. I wasn't giving life advice to me, but to you.

I am fully aware of every single aspect of my personality and psyche. There is nothing in my mind of which I am not fully cogniscent. I am by no means stupid. I have known for years what makes me what I am. I'm not a complex person and for me to "know myself" is not a difficult thing.

Here's something most of you may or may not be aware of -

"Knowing what is wrong and fixing it are two different things"

I know what and where I am not fulfilling my capabilities. I know how to fix the issues. The problem? I can't be bothered. I know that if I go hang out with people I will eventually find someone. I know that if I search for a new job I will find one. I know that if I put the effort in others will love me.

I just don't care though.

I like the (minimal) attention this diary has earnt me. Being the housemate of Fletch is an added advantage as I get his crew checking me out but the main thing is this. I don't write this to "share" with you my "pain".

That is so sad. I don't want to share my pain. I like my pain. It is what keeps me burning stronger and brighter than everyone else. This pain makes me acheive more than anyone. I genuinely believe that there is not one thing on this earth I cannot do. I can be anything and do anything. I can push myself harder and further than anyone by harnessing my anger and directing it.

If it kills me - so be it. I have no problems with that. Ask Fletch how much I punish myself. I push myself on a daily basis because I need to. I need to remind myself that I am special, that I am blessed with a mind and a body. I need to remind myself that I am worthy of any affection directed towards me.

I'll wrap up here. Yet again, I'm drunk and maudlin (for "x" nights in a row) and I would rather you appreciate my writing for it's humour and entertainment value than it's honesty.

So for a sign off here is today's random

thing...