Don't Make Me Stab You With My Dorking Utensil...
2002-11-29 . 12:27 a.m.

Yes, I too was confused this morning when I found this message on a piece of carboard next to the computer. Apparently written in my handwriting, this cryptic message came from nowhere. What was it? A secret message from my masters within the ISB (that's Illuminated Seers of Bavaria for those of you not part of The Conspiracy)? Was it a message from our interstellar brothers who have learnt the language of earth through porn films?

Where could this message have come from?

Grabbing my nearby deerstalker hat and magnifying glass (what? you mean you don't own a deerstalker?) I set about investigating this cryptographic nightmare. Stopping only to crack open a beer I began looking for clues.

Clue #1 : A tumbler.

Smelling deeply of the tumbler I was rewarded by the smell of whiskey. This led me on to...

Clue #2 : An ashtray (overflowing).

Counting up the fag-ends and coming to the mystical number 20 (5 is the mystical number of the ISB - see how many great fun ways you can get 5's into twenty). A crumpled packet of Marlboro lay in the wastebasket. Things became clearer when I stumbled (quite literally - I was on my fourth beer at this time) onto...

Clue #3 : An empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

Checking the fingerprints against those on the glass revealed that the very same person had used both objects!

After comparing the fingerprints against my cards I discounted Fletch and Dylan and moved onto the final card - me.

SHOCK! HORROR!

Revelation hit me. The whiskey had been drunk by me, the cigarettes smoked by me! Still though, the card was a complete mystery until I found...

Clue #4 : A BIG BLACK MARKER PEN WITH MY FINGERPRINTS ON IT

The final piece was in place - the offender was me. The motive?

I can't remember. I think it was to have been a new entry but I wrote it whilst drunk and could remember nothing. Rather than toss away a good idea I thought I'd best use it as the basis for a gripping detective yarn.

Thanks for reading...