Stressmonkeys All Around Me
2002-11-27 . 3:26 p.m.

So here am I, tired and emotional. Listening to Frank Sinatra singing "Send in the Clowns" and I'm just being fucking depressed. I generally hate talking about depression or people writing about it. It's so passe, everyone gets depressed so it makes me neither special or interesting. What is different about me is the way I cope.

I've probably been clinically depressed for something like 16 years now but I will not let it get the better of me. Like your classic Englishman with his stiff upper lip I do not display my emotions well. I have pretty solid definitions of what it is to be a man (read my previous entries for clues) and one of these is that you are strong, both emotionally and physically.

The reason I mention this is because I must have let slip my happy-go-lucky facade today. One of the girls in the office came over and asked me what was up. So of course, i do the "nothing, nothing, I'm fine" dance and denied everything. She asked me what I was up to last night so I told her that i was up until 3.30am drinking a bottle of whiskey and lifting weights. This immediately followed on to "Is that what you do every night?" to which the answer is "pretty much, yes".

Now, I'm known throughout the whole building as the only guy who smiles all the time so this came as a bit of a shock to her. I've sworn her to secrecy but now she has a better handle on the sort of person I am (which would be kind of cool 'cos I like her a lot but she's attached) and as a result is now a member of the world's most exclusive club - Those Who Sort of Know Paul.

Consider yourselves Gold Members.

My issues with this stem from the fact that a fair number of the people who may read this, and a significant proportion of the Diaryland entries are all about depression and loss. Fletch has said this before and I fully agree.

Stop being such a pussy. Go on. Try. There may be people out there with really quite genuine depression brought on by abuse or violence but to just be depressed "because" is really no excuse whatsoever. So you're lonely? Get over it. So you're unhappy with your body image? Work out. Diet. Your boyfriend/girlfriend/pet left you/died - tough.

LIFE IS HARD - BE HARDER.

I'm sorry but I have absolutely no sympathy whatsoever for minor issues like those. Change is easy. It's willpower. My will is strong. It has to be or I would have collapsed into jelly years ago from all sorts of uninteresting shit. I have pretty much refused to read other peoples diaries on the basis that of the few I've read the first entry was "Today I was depressed/bored/angry"

For heaven's sake. Are we a world of weaklings? How on earth has all the bravery and passion that got us here in the last 10,000 years been distilled down to this? Face up to reality people - nothing good is easy. If you want something, get off your arse and f*cking fetch it. I'm single, I'm lonely, I'm depressed but it will never stop me from living my life and enjoying myself, ever. My son will never see me cry and I will teach him from the outset my moral values and opinions on manhood.

I'm sorry if this offends or upsets you. It isn't my intention to do so. It's a wake-up call if anything. I realise that some people may be offended and drop me from their "nice" lists but that isn't really a concern for me. I don't come on here to bare my soul, I come here to try and lighten the mood. I want to make other people happy. Over the last decade and a half I have come to the conclusion that I wasn't meant to be happy and that I was put here to cheer other people up. Maybe I do and maybe I don't but I'll try and really that's all any of us can do.

So, once again I have meandered through a big load of old shite and maybe offended some people and maybe I haven't. I suppose I should wrap it up here but I can't think of a particularly positive note.

I'll Be funny for you all later. The monkeys at work need me.