A Stern Telling Off...
2002-11-18 . 3:39 p.m.

Well then; Evil Mr Fletch has succeeded in badgering me into writing again.

I'm sure this will have absolutely no relevance as i am not the most well-followed diary in christendom but hey-ho.

Today's (or should that be "this month's") entry is kind of modelled on Unca Fwetch's recent entry. Mine will not cover past girlfriends as I was particularly prolific for about 10 years and therefore there are just over 60 that i have slept with and probably around 300 i have dated.

Instead - in my inimitable style i'll give you a run down of the last few disasters. Essentially this will aim to be much funnier (an extra 10%) than my last entry. So where shall we start?

Dylan's Mum (Di) - Lasted 2.5 years.

Mainly this relationship involved pain, lots more pain, a bit of expensive and badly bodged dentistry (think Marathon Man...) and nearly being stabbed several times. The good times were good but the bad times were actually quite lfe threatening.

Evil Shithead (Kate) - Lasted 1.0 year.

On the whole this was my "lazy" relationship. I got ordered around a lot and thought it would be cool to own lots of "stuff". Nearly ended up living with this maniac psycho asshat with an uber-mortgage (i.e. no escape for 25 years). Split up with her and went out with Laura (see last entry). Kate stalked the pair of us and scratched Laura's brand new car with her keys doing £2000 worth of damage to it.

Whoops Apocalypse (Laura) - see last entry.

Help Wanted... (every girl since)

Jemma - an internet chick. went to london to meet her. missed her. she came to sheffield to see me. but i didnt live there then. so - oops.

The Girl in the Red Coat - really good looking - agreed to go on a date with me. Got back together with her ex the day before.

Hillary - quite a nice girl - very smart and different to normal people. Someone who works for the same company who has never met me told her i was after her just for sex. Never mind.

Erika - should have seen big flashing warning lights when she told me she was a depressed bulimic... nearly got sacked for this as i asked her out and this somehow got turned into "sexual harassment". Oh how we laughed at Chez Fletch'n'Paul.

There have probably been several other minor players but none really worth mentioning. I would like to apologise about the lameness of this entry at this point. my next one will consist of what Fletch labels "Paulisms" - one liners that just make absolutely no sense unless you have spent time around me...