Tony the Towny and Why I'm Single
2002-08-30 . 10:33 p.m.

So...er...hi then. Welcome to official entry number one in the soon to unstoppable juggernaut of ineptitude that my diary promises to be. The subject of today's wrath is easily deciphered by reading the subtitle of the entry -

"Where have all the nice girls gone?"

As noted previously by my comrade in letters, Fletcher, I have quite poor luck with "the ladies". If the saying goes "there are plenty more fish in the sea" then I have have less skill as a fisherman than an elephant playing tennis. Much to my annoyance this seems to stem from the fact that i dress like a Towny but act like a Freak...

Rewind 24hrs

An epiphany struck me whilst running around at work today - I realised why I am single. The catalyst for this thought was meeting Tony and Alyssia in one of those horrible Towny pubs in the city. I'm dressed straight from work, trousers, nice shirt and fairly spruced up. Fletcher is, well Fletcher. You can take him to meet the Queen and he will insist on dressing like its a biker rally. He fetches the beer whilst I grab us a seat and then...

"ALRIGHT MATE!" shouts a booming southern voice. I glance to the table next to me. A man who was stamped indelibly with the word "Towny" at birth sits there smiling his happy, towny smile. Next to him is a very agreeable-looking young lady of the freak persuasion (she even has a pimp hat on!). "How're you doing? My names Tony and this is my missus Allysia" says he. Not one to be rude I introduce myself and point out my main man who is having the world's greatest adventure trying to be served by the monkeys behind the bar.

When Fletch returns from the bar we get into a big discussion, all four of us. It starts with why Fletch is a bastard for not telling me that Jane's Addiction were playing at Reading to how i should just stalk Tony wearing a sandwich board proclaiming his name is spelt incorrectly and should, in fact, be spelt To(w)ny.

The awesome new thing I learnt from the whole rigmarole was that Tony identified me as a Towny and therefore initiated conversation. Once that conversation started however, i spent more time chatting to his lady. So there you go. Simple really. I look like what I'm not, and as a result Towny girls won't like me. Once they get past the clothes and realise what I'm like they run in fear and Freak girls won't even talk to me because they think I'm going to be another Tony.

So now I have identified the weak point in my lady-strategem all I have to do is work out a way around it. Sharply dressed in a new suit with Maori facial tattoos should do it...

Adieu for now, and thank you for listening

this has been a broadcast on behalf of the Paul has been single too long charity